


Mr. Eames VS the World

by slashmania



Category: Inception (2010)
Genre: Arthur has evil exes, Crack, Eames is awesome, Fluff, M/M, Romance, You are waiting for some pie..., battle projections for Arthur's heart
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-07
Updated: 2014-06-07
Packaged: 2018-02-03 17:40:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1753211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/slashmania/pseuds/slashmania
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"We're dating officially, Eames. I have to inform you, for your own safety and my peace of mind, that you must defeat my seven evil exes." Or, 'The one where Arthur is aloof and mysterious and Eames is awesome.'</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mr. Eames VS the World

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on fanfiction.net
> 
> https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10048057/1/Mr-Eames-VS-the-World
> 
> For this fic, I'd say that Arthur is more "inspired" by Scott Pilgrim VS the World than involved in a true AU. I don't own either Inception or Scott Pilgrim VS the World, and yeah I pulled the "You're waiting for some pie" line on a friend while eating at a Marie Calendars.
> 
> I also do not own the lyrics to "Wouldn't It Be Nice" by the Beach Boy's or "Michael" by Franz Ferdinand. I just played with them.

Mr. Eames VS the World

"You're waiting for some pie." Eames said, noticing how Arthur's eyes widened at the line. The Forger reached for his hand, eager to hold it and press their palms together to see if their love-lines matched. When the Point Man didn't knock his questing hand away and instead entwined their fingers together, it made Eames smile a little foolishly and continue speaking. "This pie has taken a lot of time to reach our table. You know when you hope this pie will reach you. But, you can't be sure. Yet it doesn't matter. Now, tell me why?"

Shaking his head in disbelief, Arthur answered anyway.

"Because we'll eat it together!"

It should have been impossible. But as they laughed at Eames's pie related version of the line that had haunted Cobb throughout Inception, sitting together in the cozy booth of the Marie Callender's that had seemed like a good choice for dinner, Eames felt that this was finally going somewhere. It had taken the completion and almost failure of Inception, twelve desperate gun-fights while working on dangerous jobs together, and Eames showing off his skills in the kitchen that finally made the unyielding and standoffish Point Man give in.

Eames would have danced when Arthur had agreed to go to dinner with him- a dinner that had absolutely nothing to do with their work. They weren't tailing a mark, doing any sort of research, or hastily refueling before rushing back to their warehouse. Even though he hadn't danced when Arthur smiled and agreed to go out for dinner with him, the Forger made up for it in several different and silly ways. The Marie Callender's had appeared to be slow and their waitress attentive- it all changed after they ordered their drinks and noticed that their waitress had disappeared and hadn't come back to take their orders for easily fifteen minutes. When Eames noticed that the water for his tea was lukewarm and that they had only been given one spoon between them to stir their beverages, he began to hum to himself. Arthur had placed his mug of coffee down on the table in front of him and raised his eyebrows.

"Are you humming a song by the Beach Boys?"

Eames couldn't hide his satisfied smile that Arthur recognized the tune and began to sing softly under his breath. _"Wouldn't it be nice if we could order, then we wouldn't have to wait so long?"_

Not long after this, they received their food that was of better quality than their service. Eames had the water for his tea reheated while Arthur got more half and half for his coffee, something that made their waitress say, 'You're just like me, all out of cream!'

Eames glared at the woman's back when she made that comment. Arthur wasn't anything like her- Arthur was better dressed and smarter and knew how to do his job properly! Eventually, they were given their dessert by a different waitress who looked very apologetic and gave Arthur a third cup of coffee to enjoy with his apple pie. Eames had enjoyed his lemon meringue and spent a good amount of time after he was finished thinking about 'Hello, my name is Marcie's' tip. Specifically how much smaller it was getting the longer Eames had to glare at her turned back while drumming his fingers on the table next to his and Arthur's empty plates. How freaking difficult was it to give them the bill?!

When it came Eames made it a point to wave away Arthur's offer to pay and just paid for it all himself. In his mind, this had been a date. He was going to be damned if he let Arthur try and pay on what Eames considered to be their very first date!

As they walked out of the restaurant, Eames looked at his watch and noticed that two hours had passed. Two bloody hours! He would have much rather had the reason for the extra time spent in the restaurant be because of the lovely time he and Arthur had, not because their server liked to abandon them. It was already dark and chilly as he and Arthur walked down the street at an easy pace that would lead to their hotel. Neither had felt it necessary to drive such a short distance as the warehouse was within walking distance from the hotel and both had noticed the Marie Callender's during their travels back and forth to the warehouse.

"So," Eames said, noticing just how close they were as they walked down the sidewalk that had very few pedestrians. In fact, there were hardly any cars going up and down the street. "Did you enjoy yourself, darling? That is, if you ignore Marcie's terrible service and the late arrival of the pie?"

As a car passed them its headlights illuminated Arthur briefly making his ironic smile visible. "I did and thank you for suggesting we go to dinner. I was amazed that you gave Marcie a tip at all!"

Eames grinned at Arthur. "Darling, if I wasn't so sure that all of the waitresses and waiters pool their tips, I would have given her forged bills. It's the small things that can trip a thief up and I'm certain that the little idiot would have been able to give an accurate description of me to the authorities if I was found out!"

"Really?" Arthur asked. "And why are you so sure that she'll remember you so well?"

"Well, if Marcie doesn't remember _me_ she will be able to recall the well dressed and attractive young man I was sitting with."

Eames was surprised to feel Arthur's hand against his own, and this wasn't any accidental brush as they walked so close together. He could hear Arthur's pleased laughter but was more focused on how after that inquisitive brush the Point Man grasped his hand in his own and didn't let go. It was slow, but in Eames's eyes it was progress! He had been chasing Arthur for so long that even the most innocent of touches made him want to cheer. But, he restrained himself because Arthur was speaking again.

"There were several reasons why I didn't get involved with you sooner," the Point Man hummed to himself. "You're a charmer, that's for sure. I always believed that you were dangerous, the unknown of every equation that took special skill to figure out. I don't think I'll ever figure out every little thing about you, Eames."

"I'd be willing to share if you are, darling."

"Okay," Arthur was silent for a beat before saying the unbelievable. "There was an even more important reason why I didn't allow myself to begin a relationship with you, Eames."

Eames couldn't stop the way he raised his eyebrows and smirked. "It can't be that bad, darling! We've had one date and nothing bad has happened yet."

Arthur stopped walking and turned to look at Eames. They were just far enough away from the next streetlamp that their faces were shrouded in shadows, making the Point Man's sudden silence a little bit more ominous.

"We're dating officially, Eames. I have to inform you, for your own safety and my peace of mind, that you must defeat my seven evil exes."

This pronouncement was met with silence from Eames, who had been too caught up with Arthur saying 'We're dating officially, Eames' to notice that he was expected to fight for Arthur's hand.

"Wow." he said, kind of dazed and smiling happily after hearing it said out loud.

"Did you hear what I just said, Eames?"

Eames continued to smile to himself.

Arthur shook his head and fondly patted Eames's cheek. "You'll understand better tomorrow."

They walked to the hotel and not another word was spoken about it.

* * *

The next day was memorable for one big reason. This day would go down forever in the Inception team's history of working together as the strangest event in shared in dreams. Stranger than when the train appeared on the first level during the Fischer job and stranger than all of Mal's varied appearances as Cobb's evil projection.

During yet another trial run to make certain that there were no flaws with the design or stability of the levels, Arthur had dragged in his own type of _bad_ projection.

The team was very surprised when a reedy thin young man appeared wearing a high school uniform and thick glasses. This young man, his dark hair smoothed back behind his ears, looked from face to face before finally settling on the Forger. He pointed at him from a distance of six feet or so, eyes flashing dangerously behind his glasses. " _Mr. Eames!_ " the projection said clearly in a loud voice while still pointing at him.

Eames blinked and looked around to see if anyone else found this to be disturbing and strange. From the raised eyebrows and open mouths, he felt it was safe to assume that this would be the opposite of a team building exercise.

"Yes?" Eames couldn't help but reply, aware that the only person who was standing next to him was Arthur. The others had moved a safe distance away with guns drawn. Definitely not a team building experience then, Eames thought as he watched Dom, Ariadne, and Yusuf take a few steps backwards, further away from whatever they believed might happen.

"I am Conner Sullivan! Arthur's _first_ evil ex-boyfriend!" The strange projection announced.

"You have evil ex-boyfriends? Why didn't you tell me that you have evil ex-boyfriends ready to confront me in dreams?" Eames asked, staring from Arthur to Conner Sullivan and back again. "Isn't this what high school reunions are for?"

Arthur frowned at him. "I told you last night, but all you wanted to do was grin like an idiot."

"So, he wants me to fight him?"

Arthur sighed. "Defeat- _I_ want you to defeat my seven evil exes. Conner is the first. Conner was my boyfriend in high school. We were a part of the chess club together- he's probably going to show off and try and defeat you in oh-so-many-moves, so beware the sudden appearance of chess pieces!"

"What- darling!" Eames would have said more, but as it was, the architecture of the dream was already changing- black and white chess pieces towered over Eames. The immediate area of the city that had been the original dreamscape was now patterned in the sixty-four black and white squares of a checkerboard. It shouldn't have surprised him, but Conner was standing at the foot of a large black chess piece with a host of others in neat ranks before him. He grinned and waved.

"White goes first, but I'm warning you Mr. Eames. Your first move may easily be your _last!"_

Eames was standing at the foot of one of his white pawns. When he looked and found that Arthur was no longer at his side, he instead looked at the far side of the 'board' where all of his teammates lingered.

"You dated this pompous little ass?"

Arthur was close enough that Eames could see the well dressed man shrug. "I was sixteen and Conner gave me the time of day- but, he was as you say, kind of pompous. So I dumped him before senior year. He didn't take it well."

Conner glared at Arthur and shook his fist. "I'll make you pay, Arthur! It won't take me that long to win this little game!"

Eames refused to feel fear. But, he hadn't played chess in a very long time. It would definitely be the sort of game that Arthur would excel at. But, he (bravely, in his own opinion) moved one of his pawns. He had thought that it was a good move…and he was so wrong!

Soon, Conner had him cornered, and Eames found it kind of ironic that the young projection of Arthur's first ex-boyfriend was using his _queen_ to decimate every single one of his pieces. All had been repositioned on the other side of the board like prisoners. All except for a few lonely pawns that were too far away from Conner's home row to be made into queens and the single knight at the Forger's side. Frustrated, Eames looked up at the knight, eyed the white horse's head and had a strange thought. Mainly, how all knights should have _swords…_

Conner was close, having stopped just a few squares away to tease him like the little jerk he obviously was. Placing one hand on the side of the large chess piece, Conner began to mock him.

"You believed that you could beat me? Really? Arthur's not even helping you from the sidelines! None of them are! Tell, me how does this make you feel, Mr. Eames?"

The Forger was actually pretty annoyed that the projection of one of Arthur's ex-boyfriends kept calling him that- 'Mr. Eames' was what _Arthur_ called him, it was as close to a pet name that Eames ever thought he could get from the Point Man. It was _their_ thing. So, when he thought carefully, and focused, he was able to manipulate the chess piece next to him. Soon, under his hand it was a horse, he had a sword, and has _so_ ready to kick this boy's ass.

While the seat wasn't too comfortable and the horse was still a little wooden in base material, the mount was steady and was capable of moving Eames closer to his opponent. Conner watched with wide eyes.

"You- you can't do that! A knight can't move that many spaces- and you don't get to have a _sword_!"

Eames smirked from his position on the horse's back, giving the sword a few practice swings to get used to the heft. It made very satisfying swishing noises as it displaced the air.

"I know I've said this a lot, but it fits our situation here." Eames looked over at Arthur on the sidelines, who no doubt knew what was coming next, before returning his gaze to the flustered projection. "You mustn't be afraid to dream a little bit bigger."

Eames slashed with the sword he dreamed into existence, noticing with shock that as the blade sliced through the wide eyed projection's body, he disappeared in a shower of light. A _plus 1,000!_ and _KO!_ floated in the space where the projection once stood. Instead of money, orbs, or any other monetary prize, lying on the ground was a shirt.

A very _nice_ shirt.

As the chess board arena faded out of existence, the rest of the team walked over to Eames, who was gingerly poking at the shirt with the toe of his shoe.

When Arthur arrived at his side, Eames looked at him carefully and picked up the shirt. It was really something that Arthur would suggest he wear because the paisley, according to him, 'burns his eyes'.

"Ah, so if I beat them…sorry, _defeat_ them all, I get a brand new wardrobe? That's so _you_ , darling."

The Point Man rolled his eyes and made a gun appear in his hand like magic. "I'll see you topside, Mr. Eames."

* * *

It wasn't Arthur who explained everything to Eames. It was Yusuf. Apparently, this madness was all based off of a movie that Eames had never heard of. It sounded interesting, and to drive the point home, Yusuf made the Forger watch the movie.

Once it was over, Eames tried to piece it all together while sitting on the floor of Yusuf's small dwelling in Mombasa, looking at the TV screen that had been turned off after the movie ended.

"But, I don't want to be Scott Pilgrim!" he cried, looking over at Yusuf who had chosen to sit beside him on the floor in a show of camaraderie. "Arthur would never dye his hair such strange colors…he can't be Ramona Flowers!" As he had another thought, the Forger's eyes narrowed on Yusuf. "And though we sometimes are roommates in the name of necessity, you aren't my _gay_ roommate…right?"

Yusuf began to shake his head. "Never! While Arthur appears to have seven evil exes, I don't fit that role! You, however, wish to win Arthur's heart. So, you get to do battle with Arthur's seven exes!"

Eames covered his face with his hands and groaned in despair. "But, Yusuf! There isn't a League of Evil Exes, or at least, I don't think there is outside of this stupid movie! Why is Arthur putting me through this?!"

The Chemist nodded. "That is a very good question, my friend."

But he didn't offer any other advice.

* * *

Eames got into five fights that week. Five terribly upsetting fights that interrupted their work schedule. But Dom hadn't blown a head gasket like Eames believed he would. Actually, the whole team cheered him on. But it would have made him feel better if they offered him more help.

* * *

"Go, Eames!" the Extractor had cheered on Monday, when Eames was running away from this bulky giant of a projection that chased the Forger with a fist full of _fire_.

"Arthur says that Blake was just a little too fond of setting stuff on fire- not people!" Eames had managed to get his hands on a fire extinguisher, got rid of Blake's pyrokinesis abilities by spraying him liberally, and then won _plus 2,000 points_ and a lovely tie after swinging the fire extinguisher like a club and knocking the guy's block off.

* * *

The rest of the team had cheered Eames on as he faced scary projections that represented Arthur's evil exes. "I believe in you, Eames!" Yusuf called out to him from the safety of the sidelines when the sedate street had been transformed into a dank swamp on Tuesday. "Arthur says to be careful because Joel loves Susan!"

"What?" Eames called back as he slogged through mud and waved away clouds of dream-mosquitoes. He didn't care if they weren't supposed to be real, it still _felt_ real when they bit him! "Who in the bloody hell is Susan? I thought that this was Arthur's evil ex…unless the guy had a girlfriend that is _also_ one of Arthur's evil exes…"

Eames bumped into a log as Yusuf yelled to him again. "Joel might get offended if you keep talking like that- Susan wasn't his girlfriend. Susan is his pet alligator!"

The Forger looked at the log and frowned when he noticed the eyes…and the teeth, and then he couldn't stop running through the mud and the muck, no longer swatting at the clouds of mosquitoes because it was Susan the alligator and her master Joel that could do him graphic harm that would haunt Eames when he woke up. Never had Eames been more grateful for his grenade launcher. One shot and Susan the alligator, as well as her master Joel had been taken care of. All that remained of them was a _plus 3,000_ and a pair of very nice shoes floating in the air where they once lurked. Eames looked at the shoes and heard the squelching splashes of his team as they came over to examine his prize. It was Yusuf who admired the shoes.

"Very nice, Eames. Very nice, and they aren't even made of poor Susan's skin!"

Eames shuddered. "Okay, that was wrong on so many levels. I know that she could have eaten me, but that doesn't mean I wanted to wear shoes made of her skin!"

But the shoes were quite nice.

* * *

On Wednesday the dreamscape became a concert and Eames dodged a guitar that was being used as a mêlée weapon by the long haired and wild eyed rock god that was Arthur's fourth evil ex! Showers of sparks rained over the crowd as Michael swung at the dodging Eames and hit stage props instead. Ariadne, who only became visible over the chanting audience by climbing up Yusuf's body and perching on the man's shoulders, waved her arms and screamed to Eames.

"Oh my god! You can do it, Eames! Arthur says to beat him at his own game! You can kick his ass with music!"

If that meant singing, Eames wasn't going to do that. When he spied the large amp standing across from the posing and preening rock star that Arthur had dated at one time, he got an idea of how he could win this. Somehow, Eames couldn't help but imagine the Point Man with longer hair spending a summer with Michael on tour. If he had been able to hear Arthur's commentary he wouldn't have been motivated by jealousy to defeat this evil ex. If he could have heard the Point Man, he would have learned that when Michael was dating Arthur, he wasn't a rock god. Michael had been a whiny touchy feely singer with an acoustic guitar. After Arthur had to listen to a dozen love songs about him that grew sappier and sappier, he had to dump Michael in the name of self-preservation.

Any way, Eames ran towards the ridiculously oversized amp that was next to Michael and shoved it, making it tilt towards the distracted rock star and then fall on top of him. All that was left was a floating _plus 4,000_ and a stylish jacket.

That didn't stop Ariadne from shouting, "Come on, Eames! Sing "Michael" by Franz Ferdinand!" and then she started to yell more than sing the lyrics at him. " _Come and dance with me, Michael!"_

To avoid further embarrassment, Eames shot himself awake.

* * *

Thursday was the day that Eames found out that Arthur's fifth and sixth evil exes were not just brother and sister, but _twins_ too. In the dreamscape, Eames was faced with the projections of identical twins. The girl, Olive and the boy, Oliver wore matching glares and outfits. It was obviously something that they hadn't grown out of. For some reason, Eames found that to be very sad despite the great quality of the suits they wore. It may even be something Arthur could appreciate, the Forger thought as he recalled what he was wearing. It appeared that the twins had noticed as well.

They stood silently, watching Eames in distaste. "Oh," Olive said, looking Eames up and down, stopping at the shirt. She turned to her brother as if to consult.

"Paisley?"

Oliver pursed his lips and shot Arthur a look of betrayal. "Really, Arthur? We have to fight someone who can't even dress himself?"

Eames looked over his shoulder at Arthur, who shrugged. "Olive and Oliver are twins with equal amounts of _amazing_ fashion sense. They were the ones who got me into these suits."

Oliver smirked and winked one emerald green eye at the Point Man. "Doll, if you remember correctly, we also got you _out_ of them!"

The Forger gaped at Arthur and then at the two twins who had identical naughty smiles on their faces. He had to look back at Arthur to check, and yes, the man was blushing! Eames leveled a dark look in the twins' direction.

"No one makes Arthur blush but _me_! And, no! His pet name isn't 'doll'! Arthur isn't a 'doll'!" Eames felt that his knowledge was superior to these projections! "Arthur is a _darling,_ damn it! _"_

Instead of being intimidated by the taller, muscular, and dangerous Forger- the lithe and tan complexioned brother and sister, their black hair cut in similar short styles, leaned in close. Olive pretended to whisper in her brother's ear, pointedly making it so that everyone could hear her.

"Oooh," she said with a charming glint in her green eyes. "I think he's right, little brother. Arthur was always such a _delight_."

Her brother nodded and gazed in Arthur's direction. "I know. It was a shame it had to end."

Together, the brother and sister leaned forwards, ignoring Eames completely to purr in Arthur's direction. " _Do you miss us, darling?"_

Eames couldn't contain his mixed flush of anger and embarrassment. He wanted to defeat them and he wanted to do it right now! But, first he had to have some clarification.

"Arthur, _darling_ ," he said pointedly while shooting a glare in the twins' direction, "Um, this may be a strange question, but when you say that these two are your fifth and sixth evil exes…was this a creepy ménage a trios?"

Arthur frowned at Eames. "That wasn't flattering! No, Eames I didn't have a creepy incestuous threesome. I first dated Olive, who worked in the shop where I went to look at suits and then after we broke up, I dated her brother Oliver, the tailor!"

Against his own instincts, Eames tried to confirm this with the twins.

"Really? This is unbelievable! How did you guys not kill each other out of jealousy?"

Olive shared a brief glance with Oliver and shrugged. "We both saw Arthur. We both wanted him. We flipped a coin to see who got first dibs and when my relationship with Arthur ended I introduced him to my brother after a decent amount of time."

"How long?"

She rolled her eyes. "A month- we may be evil exes, but that doesn't mean we are entirely without ethics and morals, Mr. Eames! And so, prepare to be measured!"

Eames blinked hard. "Measured… what in the bloody hell are you talking ab-!"

He hadn't seen _how_ Oliver had done it, but he had taken a yellow tape measure and swung it with deadly accuracy so it wrapped around Eames's ankle. Before Eames got to swear, the young man had tugged on the measuring tape hard and forced the Forger to fall to the ground with a loud thump. Another tug dragged the Forger across the concrete sidewalk of the dream by the ankle.

The delightful laughter of the twins rang in his ears.

"Oh we have so many plans for you, Mr. Eames!" Olive said, helping her brother tug and pull him closer and closer. "You will look lovely for once on the only day that counts."

Her brother frowned at her in mock confusion. "Would we really be preparing him to marry our dear Arthur?"

"No!" she sang, "we will destroy this Forger, brother! He's going to be fit into a suit that is best for a funeral!"

Oliver grinned down at the shocked Eames. Oliver passed the tape to his sister to remove a very large pair of scissors from where they had hung in special sort of sheath attached the belt he wore to have his tools in easy reach. Oliver hovered over Eames's body, scissors ready to do a little unpleasant work.

"Get ready to be cut," Oliver hissed at the Forger. Eames's gray eyes narrowed and he smirked up at him.

"You're not too smart are you?"

Oliver froze with his scissors held in a two handed grip above his head, ready to deliver a true and lethal strike that was sure to kill Eames and make him the loser of this little evil ex match. But, the Forger just loved it when the people who thought he was beat forgot something simple.

"I've beat more attempts at being willingly fashionable for years- that, and I've got a gun pointed at your privates."

Oliver's eyes widened, but before he could do anything to defend himself or flee, Eames shot the tailor. Oliver disappeared, leaving behind a single sock and a _plus_ _3_ _,000_. His sister was easy game after that, going down with a single shot to the head, also leaving behind the second sock and a _plus 3,000_.

As the team began to chant, " _Eames! Eames! He's our man! If he can't do it, no-one can!",_ a glowing symbol appeared in front of Eames as he was stuck untying the tape measure and rescuing his new pair of socks that didn't have anything ridiculous on them like hearts or boldly colored stripes. When he finally was able to get to his feet he reached for the glowing symbol that upon further inspection proved to be a picture of his own smiling face along with a _plus 1!_

"Wow," he said as the team came closer to look at his prizes. "I earned an extra life!"

"It must be nice to finally have one," Yusuf added with a smile, patting the Forger on the shoulder.

"Don't listen to him, Eames! You did great!" Ariadne said, practically bouncing on the balls of her feet, looking like she might just start cheering again. It was Dom who placed a hand on her shoulder and squeezed, begging with his eyes for her to please stop, even though he had participated in the _group_ cheer before.

"You're getting better at this, Eames. You're also lucky that our deadline isn't so close, otherwise I'd tell you to do this on your own time." The Extractor paused to look at the Forger's new socks. "Cool socks, by the way."

Finally, Arthur smiled and edged closer. "That was pretty good."

"I still can't believe that you dated twins."

Arthur sighed as if this was a common statement when the subject happened to come up. "No one can."

When they all awoke from the dream Eames decided to linger a little while on his lawn chair while the others packed up to leave. Even though the fights were occurring in the shared dream, it took a hell of a toll on his body when he woke up. Keeping his eyes closed for a few minutes longer, he noticed that there was someone standing close to his chair, and then, felt them leaning over him- noticing their exhaled breaths and the heat from their body. When a hand tucked something into his coat pocket he quickly grasped the sneaky person by the wrist and opened his eyes.

He wasn't surprised to find Arthur leaning over him, the tips of his fingers barely out of his pocket. Eames let go of Arthur's hand and rather than look embarrassed, Arthur smirked at Eames. The Point Man leaned down to press a kiss against the other man's forehead before standing up straight again.

"Just a little something I thought you'd like to hold onto in the waking world."

Eames hummed to himself and checked his pocket. What he plucked out was a carefully cut photo of himself smiling into the camera. Because of how he had been literally cut out of the picture this little photo resembled the extra life he had earned from fighting the twins while in the dream. He smiled when he noticed that Arthur had very carefully pasted a _plus 1!_ to the corner of the picture.

When he looked up at Arthur, the Point Man shrugged. "I thought that it couldn't hurt for you to have this on you while awake. It sort of reinforces the idea that you also earned it in the dream. Just in case, you know."

Eames smiled up at Arthur for his thoughtfulness and then said once more, "I really still can't believe that you dated twins."

The Point Man rolled his eyes and began to walk away, calling over his shoulder to Eames. "I'm enforcing the no sex until you defeat the final evil ex rule, Eames."

As he tried to sit up from the lawn chair, Eames looked a little defeated himself. He flopped back down onto the lawn chair and sighed in frustration.

"Normal people don't have to work this hard, Arthur! They just don't!"

* * *

Friday. The last day of this challenge, the last day of Arthur's no sex rule! When Eames woke up, he was refreshed and eager to get this over with. He didn't care who the next evil ex was! He'd take on anybody!

To his surprise nothing at all happened when he went under with the team. Dom and Yusuf were obviously keeping their eyes peeled for the last evil ex. Ariadne looked eager and had said that she was going to cheer for him again. But not a single evil ex projection showed up to do battle with Eames. After fifteen minutes in the dream, Eames looked at Arthur with wide eyes. The cogs were turning and Eames had a bad thought.

The thought was, 'Oh, no. Oh, no this can't be happening. Arthur has been allowing the projections of his evil exes to appear during dreams (a pretty good idea for ironically safe battles to the death) but, no one is appearing now. Does it mean I have to fight this evil ex _outside_ of dreams? Arthur could have easily used my idea and staged a big reunion for all of his exes to meet and do battle with me! But he didn't. Doing this in dreams made it a lot more exciting, and I'm pretty sure that none of the exes really have supernatural powers or gifts...or it's all an exaggeration! I'm pretty sure that evil ex # 3 really did have a pet alligator named Susan, but that just says something about Arthur's taste in quirky dates.'

As Eames's thoughts went around and around, it became obvious that there would be no battle today and that work must be taken care of. Five whole days of scattered researching and refining of the levels for the Extraction they had been asked to perform was marvelously out of character, but they had managed more complex things on tighter schedules.

After a little bit of work, it was time to call it quits. Sadly, all the off time did for Eames was make him question and rethink _who_ could be Arthur's final evil ex and where to find this person.

He had waited for Arthur for a terribly long time and he wasn't going to let something like this stop him!

* * *

"I know that it's you, Dom!"

"Excuse me?"

Dominic Cobb was busy doing something spectacularly mundane. The job had been completed with no problems and it was time for him to take care of some normal work around the house. Or, in this case, around the garden. The Extractor was pulling weeds in his garden, wearing a god awful hat because of the hot afternoon sun, and thick gardening gloves that were coated in dirt to protect his hands. Eames loomed over the other man and tried to think of something else to say. He hadn't really been expecting Dom to be so…un-evil about this.

"You know what I mean! You're Arthur's seventh ex! _You_ _have to be!_ Arthur followed you all around the world, trying to protect you from the authorities and bring you back home to your kids. But then, you ignored him after the Inception just like Gideon Graves did to Ramona."

Dom blinked up at him and gave up trying to work on his garden, something that had been mentioned as a soothing activity. Apparently, it wasn't so soothing when a Forger spoiling for a fight interrupted.

"No."

Eames deflated a bit, his shoulders drooping and his fists unclenching when it became clear Dominic wasn't going to jump from his position on the grass and try to beat him with a nearby trowel.

"No?" Eames repeated, sullen. "But what do you mean, 'no'? You are the only other person I can think of that could be the seventh ex! You're one of the only other people who are so close to him, so important!"

Dom cracked a smile at the Forger's words. "Thanks, Eames. It's nice that you think I'm so important where Arthur is concerned, but I'm not his ex-anything!"

Eames cursed.

And, then when he thought about it some more, he cursed again.

* * *

" _You_!"

"So you finally figured it out…"

Eames was ready. He was so damned ready- he was going to win, he was going to have to win because this was getting pretty damned ridiculous.

He was standing in the warehouse facing the seventh evil ex- Ariadne.

The Architect was standing over her latest model, smiling at him grimly.

"I'm so surprised it took you this long- really, I was the last person to have a relationship with Arthur."

Eames scoffed. "He kissed you for, what? Ten seconds at the most?"

She smiled happily. "I hope you know that those were the best ten seconds of my life! So, how do you want to do this? In dreams or right here? Because, I've got the tailored slacks ready on the off chance that you win!"

The Forger honestly couldn't figure out how they were going to fight and make it, well, _fair_. He couldn't really get over the fact that she was a girl and he had been taught to never ever hit a girl! Before he could suggest anything like a thumb war, he was saved.

"Alright- no one starts to fight!" Arthur commanded coming through the warehouse door armed to the teeth. Actually he just had his cup of coffee in one hand and his laptop case hanging over one shoulder. But Arthur had been known to do damage with less.

Ariadne actually _pouted_. "But, Arthur! It was going to be really fun! I was going to destroy him if we went under with the PASIV!"

The Point Man raised an eyebrow. "And what were you going to do if he tried to defeat you in the real world?"

Ariadne shrugged. "Pray that chivalry isn't dead?"

Eames was still gaping at Arthur and watched the man put his coffee down on the desk he claimed for his own. He did the same with his laptop and then looked over at Ariadne.

"You are not my seventh evil ex, Ariadne. Stop playing with him. I need a couple of minutes, so could you-," Arthur didn't even have to finish his sentence. Ariadne left the room with no complaints.

When they were completely alone, Eames still wasn't sure what to say. He wanted to be angry. He wanted to be so angry…

"What in the hell is all of this about, darling?"

Arthur smiled. "Dom was actually kind of flattered that you thought he was the seventh ex. But, to be honest, he's not my type. He's blond and _not you_."

"I'm…so, I feel a little better that you _do_ want me. But I don't understand- why the seven evil exes and the parody of that movie? You know that I want you- I can't tell you how many ways I've tried to say it and all the experiences we've had together that just show it! This has been cruel and unusual punishment!"

Arthur came closer and looked at him carefully.

"Eames, you defeated six of my evil exes. Six! And that's great. I wasn't lying to you a week ago when I mentioned being scared of starting anything with you- you're charming, you're dangerous, and I know that you flirt with anything that has a pulse."

"But I _love_ you! You're the only one I love, Arthur! I've wanted to be with you for awhile- before Inception, after Inception, during all of those bloody gun-fights where we almost died in reality while running away from a job that's blown up in our faces!" Tentatively, Eames reached out and took Arthur's hand.

"I love the fact that I can hold your hand and you don't glare at me for it now. I think that while our first date had terrible service, we had a good time anyway!"

Arthur shook his head. "I still can't believe that you created your own version of that tragic little line Dom got himself so obsessed with."

Eames smiled and pulled the other man in closer, feeling that Arthur wasn't going to push him away now- after all of the evil exes he defeated, Eames believed he should be upgraded to receive hugs. He wrapped his arms around Arthur's body and held him tightly.

"Bad taste, I know. But that Marcie was really annoying me when she ignored our requests for pie."

A moment passed and it was a companionable silence before Eames couldn't stop his curiosity. "If I asked really nicely, would you tell me who the seventh ex is supposed to be?"

Arthur laughed. "I only ever had six. And since I did see that movie, I thought that the reference would be funny. And, I know you want to ask me- _yes_ we can have sex later, even though I said there was a rule against it until you beat the seventh evil ex."

Eames sighed in relief. He had honestly been a _little bit_ worried about that. With that out of the way, he thought about what Arthur had said about the movie reference. "No, that's actually perfect. Darling, I get to be your seventh boyfriend, and seven is a very _lucky_ number."

"Seven oceans, seven continents, seven colors in the rainbow, seven musical notes, and so on." Arthur recited. He let go of Eames briefly and after a moment, tugged the small extra life token that he had made for Eames out of the Forger's pocket and waved it at him.

"I love that you still carried it with you- your extra life! What, were you going to pull it out and wave it in Ariadne's face when she tried to beat you with a piece of her model?"

Eames was mildly offended. "Never! I'm going to keep that somewhere special so I can remember this entire experience- so I can tell the story of how I beat your _six_ evil exes!"

"That will be memorable," Arthur said in a dry tone of voice. "James and Phillipa are going to just love to tell the story to all of _their_ friends too. I can picture it now- _Uncle Eames VS the World._ "

Walking to the door, Eames leaned in and pressed a kiss against Arthur's parted lips, pulling away just as it was starting to get heated and a lot more interesting. Catching Eames's cheeky smile Arthur smacked him on the arm, muttering, "Tease."

Still smiling widely, Eames wrapped an arm around Arthur's waist, walking with him to the desk where the stone cold coffee and laptop sat. Eames picked up the laptop and Arthur dumped the coffee. They began walking to the door.

If this were a video game, Eames was sure that there would be a countdown occurring as they hit the lights and reached the door.

_Continue?_

_10?_

_9?_

_8?_

_7?_

_6?_

"I'd rather the children go with _Mr. Eames VS the World_ , darling. It has a certain charm to it!"

_5?_

_4?_

_3?_

_2?_

_1?_

Arthur pulled open the door and walked through it with Eames at his side. "It's perfect."

The End.


End file.
